Another game of pin the embryo on the uterus has just been completed. This was a frozen transfer, so it was sans the bells and whistles of needles, drugs and wild hormonal rides. Instead this cycle was just the minor inconvenience of daily blood tests, defrosting an embsicle and a five minute transfer procedure, so I felt fairly uninvolved -comparatively.
The lovely Dr. Sickboy was called O/S on an emergency so the transfer was performed by a doctor who, it came to pass, was a total #&*$ who made me feel like I was inconveniencing her by having IVF. She didn’t give a flying toss that she was hurting me during the procedure and instead shouted at me that we had to get on with it! (Keep in mind the whole procedure took about three minutes so I was hardly holding her up).
I snuck this cycle under the radar a little. This was partly because I was a bit preoccupied with a flu (hideous timing) as well as editorial deadlines and being an attentive parent tomy beautiful boy… and partly because I walked out of the transfer with a strong sense that it wasn’t going to be successful and I couldn’t verbalise this properly. I’m not sure if it was because of Dr. Callous Bitch’s half arsed performance or if it was just gut instinct.
Regardless I did still try and maintain some hope and was, for once, desperate to be proved wrong. But sadly I wasn’t and Frosty didn’t hang around and I’ve been too numb to even cry (and I’m an excellent cryer). I think much of the tearlessness can be attributed to the presence of my lovely sister who was with me when I got the bad news. By giving me kind words and space she helped me keep it together – what a lovely soul she is. But a few days later I still feel sad, deflated… and broken. I am starting to doubt my body and wonder whether my womb really is such a shitty place that no embryo worth its infinitesimal weight wants to reside there.
In fact I’m beginning to question if – instead of wasting all this money on IVF – I wouldn’t be better off spending the equivalent getting the uterine decorators in to brighten the place up a bit. You know, a lick of paint here, maybe some wallpaper there? Some nice art for the walls? Nic nacs? Or perhaps a nice comfy ottoman for the embryo to put its teensy little feet up on and a vase of fresh flowers to make it more appealing?